Controller Punch!

Top 10 Reasons the Original Quake Game Ruled 1996-1997

10. Flagrant cheats and physics mismatching caused online matches to result in a cesspool of “bot” accusations. Today, such accusations are petty and empty, but back then, since the system was so damn glitchy, they were actually a legitimate concern (if almost never true.) Since I was pretty terrible, I loved when such verbal bombardments began because random chumps would be vulnerable while hiding in corners and typing No one remembers how you got your frags when the match ends and scores pop up, hombre.

9. A common way for Quakemasters (as they so like to be called) to get around the map was to detonate explosives at such an angle as to rocket them places – and this was BEFORE any Halo-style regeneration structuring. How hardcore is that? You blast a grenade or a rocket off the ground right in your face knowing there are health packs or armour on the upper level. Gutsy. No single man in the Army has ever done this. Ever. Thus, all Quakemasters are by default considerably more badass than real soldiers.

8. It has a level called the “Grizzly Grotto” which is great tern to adapt for any sketchy bar or eatery you find around town.

7. My friend used to get so pissed off at the game it was really fun to mock him. I am 100% confident that once in a 20 minute match he died only one time total – and immediately screamed at the cheap, cheating bastard who had unfairly fragged him. I’m pretty sure he punched a hole in the bronze Elvis bust sitting next to the 133 on his tower too. Of course, within 15 seconds he had re-killed his killer and gotten all his equipment back, but so is the nature of rage.

6. General use of rusty nails as weapons. We’ve got disturbing games out there now like Manhunt and the GTA series and yet none have perfected the disgusting level of perforation provided by two types of Quake nail guns. Jesus was a carpenter. I bet he’d have mad skills at Quake for this reason alone.

5. Quake had some freaky monsters. Weird dogs, armless rib-floaters, chainsaw ogres – the giant white yeti monster which was like a nightmare and a bloodsplosion had a baby – they all were about as gruesome as your could imagine with the reach of the skin textures. Killing these things took guts, and I mean that literally because they would almost always explode into giblets. What’s more satisfying than that? Modern games are all people-on-people violence, or pseudo-realistic horror shooters, and are unable to sufficiently satisfy my lust for fully-justified morally-concrete splatterfucking.

4. Grappling hooks. Where has this idea gone? What a concept! Grappling across levels and blasting all those too weak to fly in the third dimension. The key to the hook was having a friend around to hammer it whenever needed so you didn’t have to take your fingers from the precious gun and movement controls. Not only did it save time, but it was useful in battle to yank enemies towards you while shouting, “Come here!” ala Scorpion at your monitor.

3. Spontaneous murder catharsis. We all need it. Quake was good for it.

2. Rockets. Remember when rockets were actually the best gun in the game? As time has gone on, many multi-player games have gotten so competitive that rockets are for chumps because they can be dodged. Rockets are physical objects coming at you. Bullets immediately penetrate skulls. Sometimes it is just preferable to have the mass-explosive carnage at your fingertips instead of using precision headshots and sniping all the time.

1. A guy once had a skin to look like Batman and I shot him in the head with a shotgun, knocking him off a cliff. You never forget a moment that beautiful.

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