Controller Punch!

When Sony released the PSP, they had to create a medium in which to sell/run content on this infernal machine. That dark creation was the UMD or Universal Media Disc.

When I first saw a UMD, I was reminded of the movie Cool World, and thought this must have been like the cartoon condom Gabriel Byrne used to fuck cartoon Kim Bassinger, and some weird (probably homeless) guy put a mini disc in it. Better yet there was a hole in it, so out there, somewhere between reality and fantasy, there are a litter of very serious, grim looking dark haired Irish children that can’t amount to anything but the most gutteral of noises as speech, and high pitched giggles. Nice fucking work, Mr Byrne.

In all seriousness though, the UMD wasn’t all that bad. It was basically a mini disc in a protective case that was made specifically for the PSP. Not only was everyone buying their games on UMD, but Sony released a shit ton of movies you could buy, as the UMD held almost 2 gigs of info. It doesn’t leave much room for special features like director commentary, but unless you’re either a douchbag or a film student, it didn’t fucking matter. As far as I know there are no Francis Ford Coppola movies on UMD, as if you ask me, his integrity as a director has diminished steadily since Apocalypse Now, so go fuck yourself.

I had a pretty good collection of games and movies for the PSP (I hear you telling me to go fuck myself) and with the ability for modding the PSP to play emulated games I was happy with mine. But now there is a new threat on the horizon. The PSPgo.

This little vibrator doesnt use UMD’s, there cannot vibrate. Why would one buy a vibrator that doesn’t vibrate, and would the proper name for such a device be called a Fuck Stick?
I want to call this something with the word Fuck in it.

Smaller than it’s predecessor, the PSPgo is a slide cell phone without a key pad or touch screen, or the ability to make outgoing or take incoming calls. It still has the one analog stick, which is fine as this isn’t the next generation of handheld systems and can play every game you own for PSP, as long as you download it from PSN.

So wait, how is this gonna work now? Oh, digital downloads. Do I need a PS3 for this? The Go only has 16gigs of flash memory built in, with of course the option to expand per memory card you put into it. I just used ‘expand’ and ‘put into it’ in a sentence and I managed to keep one of your loved ones/the word ‘fuck’ out of it. I think my therapist would call this progress. But I have a lot of movies, games and TV series, and there is no way all of them could fit into the Go, and even if I did, how the fuck would I do that? The Go doesnt take UMD, therefore the library I have is fucking useless, right?

No, I’m sure Sony has some weird way that not only can I download previously purchased content to my Go, but it can fuck up my mood by trying to use that weird typing setup that Sony made up and somehow thought it was revolutionary. Possibly by throwing a retarded child against the wall a few times.

Apparently  Sony is not going to stop with the original PSP’s. UMD’s aren’t really dying and all is well in the land. But one has to think for how long? The arrival, nay, the very concept that Sony needed to make an already awkward device even more smaller and awkward places the PSP’s eventual replacement on the horizon. Was PSPgo an answer to user complaints? Did that many users really cry out “THE SCREEN IS TO FUCKING BIG SONY, WTF?” or “MY CARPAL TUNNEL ISN’T BAD ENOUGH, MAKE SOMETHING THAT THROWS ERGONOMICS AWAY LIKE I WOULD AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD!”?

Mr. Byrne, I’m looking at you.

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