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April 18th, 2012 | 
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There was a time when your friends wonky science project meant high adventure. It meant becoming the centre of history. The world spun on the axis that was you. And the risk of creating a time paradox that could possible blink the universe out of existence was negligible.
I’ve been so disappointed with Square or whatever they want to be called now. I wish I knew where all of their good writers drifted off to. Maybe they all split after FF7, knowing that management would forever stymie the intricate stories with bullshit amazing landscapes you can’t walk to and total defilement of classic menu systems as seen in the early FF series and the really well done ring menus od Secret of Mana.
Lost Odyssey? Fuck you Microsoft. You got Hironobu Sakaguchi, the godfather of the best RPG franchise in history, leading him on with promises of good money and creative control, only to sodomize his dreams and watch as poor reviews pockmark his studio Mistwalker like dead planet. Watching THE_DISSECTOR play that game can only be equated to what I imagine crushing depression might feel like; surrounded by beautiful mountains and gorgeous sunrises but stuck on a fucking highway overpass to nowhere while fighting robot zombie roadkill. Because really, what else would populate a futuristic abandoned road other than the sorrows of Sakaguchi (Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within) made manifest.
Two kids merge into a sword. A frog pics it up and becomes a legendary hero. This world makes sense to me. It is warm and welcoming, and even though I risk death I know it would be for something and I am inspired. Now if only I could find a shop that sold my brand of cigarettes.
Cities built into power plants that burn the souls of the dead like you burn coal, and magic is a symptom of putting a gemstone into your weapon or clothing. Kind of like reverse kryptonite. 8 foot long swords weight nothing, and 14 foot swords kill your girlfriend. It’s all gone tits up and you ain’t even copped a feel yet.
But I got an airship, a dude with a gun arm, a talking lion/wolf thing with a torch on his tail and a motherfucker who turns into that guy from the Slaughterhouse series. And most importantly my pilot is a chain smoking sumbitch and it all becomes clear; we’re gonna get that bastard. I’ve peeked over the shoulder of Destiny and got a peek at the cards and my reverse kryptonite will rain down dragons and knights of a certain shaped table and this is my place in time and mine alone.
And no games have captured me like these used to. And no company ever came to fill the void left by Squares onset of dementia. Where are my classic JRPG’s goddamn it? I want to turn into a fire breathing dragon that has a knowledge of alchemy while wandering around in a city in the sky while felling ancient weapons of lost civilizations running amok on floating continents.
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The "'26"
I need more time to game!
Seriously. I’ve no free time at all. I’m so strapped that I’m updating this from my day job. Secretly, I hope to get caught and fired for it. That would solve a couple of problems real quick.
My office is populated by the aged. I’m the youngest here by about 25 years, and I’m 30. No one here has ever played video games. Walking off to lunch with a DS in my hand is met with an almost child like wonder from my co-workers, feigning interest in my shiny little box.
Travis Touchdown and the Rose Nasties. Sounds like a band.
Looking for a game where bloody assassin massacres and cutesy kitten playtime are equal priorities?
No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle is one of the biggest, and strangest, releases for the Nintendo Wii in the first quarter of 2010. Its predecessor No More Heroes won critical acclaim back in 2008 for its adult themes and stylish visuals, but the sequel hopes to match and exceed the former in both overall design and unit sales.
Let’s get one thing straight: Desperate Struggle is about as adult a game as you can find on the Wii System – a system generally designed with Family Game Night in mind. Before you can even save for the first time the game features blood fountains, self-mutilation, sexually suggestive weaponry, and about half-a-dozen or so ‘questionable’ pieces of language not fit for print in this website (Okay, that’s a lie, but hey, there are kids around). Not a bad list. Only potty humour could make the opening any more visceral, and for that, well, just wait for the first save point. It won’t disappoint.
Playing as Travis Touchdown, the mission is to climb the ranks of the resident assassin population of Santa Destroy. Travis is basically a Japanese version of Johnny Knoxville, that is, if Knoxville was a remorseless killer in addition to being an infamous jack-ass. As blunt in his demeanour as his beam katana blade is razor-sharp, Travis ends up back on the assassin circuit, seeking vengeance for the murder of his best friend, Bishop. Read the rest of this entry »
Ten Great Characters From 20 Years of Simpsons: Part One
With The Simpsons’ 20-year anniversary having been on December 18th, you would think that I would make two top 10 lists, but alas my list formats were made to be followed and 10 is still a perfectly cromulent number. After all, being 20 years old isn’t what makes The Simpsons great, its many instances of greatness do. Of those there are surely more than 20. While other soft news locales are writing impacting diatribes about the show’s lasting effects on a generation, I want to take it another direction and celebrate those who have helped our beloved farce of an American family reach this milestone. Part One of my top 10 will consist of characters 10-6, with Part Two concluding later. Read the rest of this entry »
Ok, we have to give Destructoid credit on this one. They have a bigger community than us, what the fuck do you want? I’m still here reporting it to you. Stop complaining and just start drooling over the beautiful images that were leaked by allgamesbeta.info, and the Beta Video that some hapless fanboy posted.
This review is going to be a bit personal, as this is a gem from my childhood. For those of you not familiar with the PlayStation… who the hell are you? Go on eBay, fork over a 30 year old basement-dweller the necessary cash and lose yourself in one of the greatest systems known to man. Read the rest of this entry »
I know I’m a little late to the mark, but I recently stumbled across this gem in the used bin at my local GameStop, and had to pick up the poor thing. For those of you not familiar with this great brawler on the Gamecube (and PS2 later on, but I played on the GCN), it’s definitely something you need to look in to.
This game is full of cel-shaded goodness, which wonderfully compliments the beat-em up gameplay. Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw has dubbed this game a “Spectacle Fighter”, and I have to say, that term perfectly describes this little diamond in the rough. Read the rest of this entry »
I can see you, you know. You’ve read the title of this article and the expression of dumbfounded confusion will soon atrophy. Maybe someone will pat you hard on the back and your face will stay that way. One can only hope.
According to our homies over at NextGenPlayer, Best Buy Canada is having a Call of Duty: Modern Warfare launch party on Monday (why they always choose weekdays is beyond my grasp) November 9th at the Toronto Best Buy, located at Bay and Dundas, and some place in Arsehole, BC.
They’re gonna have lots of goodies over there, including 50 copies of the Prestige Edition of the game, and a costume contest to giveaway a $500 gift card. Don’t see why they’d need a contest. It’s pretty fucking obvious I deserve it more than anyone.