Loading ...Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category
April 27th, 2012 | 
Author: Jello!
I’m Slinqui & I make stuff
& I am now a small part of the Controller Punch Team.
Like really small…Like I’m Aquaman if this was the Justice League.
Here is a picture of an awesome hot dog. Impressed? No? Well you should be.
So with this picture I begin my rampage of cool video game related stuff to show you.
Let the madness begin!
Posted in 
There was a time when your friends wonky science project meant high adventure. It meant becoming the centre of history. The world spun on the axis that was you. And the risk of creating a time paradox that could possible blink the universe out of existence was negligible.
I’ve been so disappointed with Square or whatever they want to be called now. I wish I knew where all of their good writers drifted off to. Maybe they all split after FF7, knowing that management would forever stymie the intricate stories with bullshit amazing landscapes you can’t walk to and total defilement of classic menu systems as seen in the early FF series and the really well done ring menus od Secret of Mana.
Lost Odyssey? Fuck you Microsoft. You got Hironobu Sakaguchi, the godfather of the best RPG franchise in history, leading him on with promises of good money and creative control, only to sodomize his dreams and watch as poor reviews pockmark his studio Mistwalker like dead planet. Watching THE_DISSECTOR play that game can only be equated to what I imagine crushing depression might feel like; surrounded by beautiful mountains and gorgeous sunrises but stuck on a fucking highway overpass to nowhere while fighting robot zombie roadkill. Because really, what else would populate a futuristic abandoned road other than the sorrows of Sakaguchi (Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within) made manifest.
Two kids merge into a sword. A frog pics it up and becomes a legendary hero. This world makes sense to me. It is warm and welcoming, and even though I risk death I know it would be for something and I am inspired. Now if only I could find a shop that sold my brand of cigarettes.
Cities built into power plants that burn the souls of the dead like you burn coal, and magic is a symptom of putting a gemstone into your weapon or clothing. Kind of like reverse kryptonite. 8 foot long swords weight nothing, and 14 foot swords kill your girlfriend. It’s all gone tits up and you ain’t even copped a feel yet.
But I got an airship, a dude with a gun arm, a talking lion/wolf thing with a torch on his tail and a motherfucker who turns into that guy from the Slaughterhouse series. And most importantly my pilot is a chain smoking sumbitch and it all becomes clear; we’re gonna get that bastard. I’ve peeked over the shoulder of Destiny and got a peek at the cards and my reverse kryptonite will rain down dragons and knights of a certain shaped table and this is my place in time and mine alone.
And no games have captured me like these used to. And no company ever came to fill the void left by Squares onset of dementia. Where are my classic JRPG’s goddamn it? I want to turn into a fire breathing dragon that has a knowledge of alchemy while wandering around in a city in the sky while felling ancient weapons of lost civilizations running amok on floating continents.
The "'26"
I need more time to game!
Seriously. I’ve no free time at all. I’m so strapped that I’m updating this from my day job. Secretly, I hope to get caught and fired for it. That would solve a couple of problems real quick.
My office is populated by the aged. I’m the youngest here by about 25 years, and I’m 30. No one here has ever played video games. Walking off to lunch with a DS in my hand is met with an almost child like wonder from my co-workers, feigning interest in my shiny little box.
So I’ve been toying around with the Sonic & SEGA Allstars Racing Demo…and I found myself enjoying it. A lot.
I was thinking maybe I was crazy because it is essentially a kart racer that doesn’t begin with “Mario” and end with “Kart.”
Better yet, I did not need to waggle anything…except I did (in my pants). Hit the jump for some video on loan from SEGASHIRO.
I never did play the first Mass Effect, but CHRISTING FUCK this looks awesome. Sorry for taking so long to put this up. The only time I get to work on this website is at my day job. Go figure.
Killer 7 was a mindbleed of awesomeness
Controllerpunch staff already knows that I’m the resident punk rocker of the group and I love punk gaming as much as I like the music.
What’s punk gaming? It’s the titles that come out of nowhere shun all mainstream concerns and yet still end up being intriguing at worst and stellar at best.
Destructoid has an article up that references my entire Wii collection and the idea of gaming punkdom on Nintendo’s console.
If titles like Muramasa, No More Heroes, and MadWorld did not exist on the Wii…my Nintendo console would been traded in for a taffy apple and box of condoms (no amount of Mario beats an awesome woman).
Ubi-soft has recently let me down when they decided not to bring the hi-def update to No More Heroes to North America. Hopefully a new publisher (Ignition, perhaps?) will bring the Xbox 360/Ps3 port to gaming fans everywhere.
I can see you, you know. You’ve read the title of this article and the expression of dumbfounded confusion will soon atrophy. Maybe someone will pat you hard on the back and your face will stay that way. One can only hope.
Episode the First: Tiny-Ass Text
Hi, I’m new here. Most of the writers on Controller Punch don’t know I exist. You’ll get over it.
In my vast bravado, I’ve decided I am going to spearhead a new as-often-as-I-care-to-write-it feature called “I Will Fight you if you Disagree”. Come with me, won’t you, as I get upset with a problem that effects very few people, but annoys me like a thorn in my ass.
Read the rest of this entry »
I love Sands of Time, I love the Prince of Persia franchise – but it is going to take one amazing movie for me to get over the fact that Hollywood/Disney couldn’t hire ethnic actors for ethnic roles.
What a pile of fucking trash. I’m going to play the Ubisoft Montreal (Canada, yay!) masterpiece and pretend one day the world will make sense and be fair.